How do you get your spouse to play C&C?

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angelius
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How do you get your spouse to play C&C?

Post by angelius »

Hi guys, as you guys might know I'm getting married soon which is great and all. But the problem is that we're moving out to our own place and she has no idea how much RPG crap I have in the first place and she doesnt RPG with my friends and I. In fact, she has NEVER seen me play nor has any interest in playing. You can say she's a typical girly girl. (I have no idea how I ended up with a non-gaming girl.)

This is a problem.

Because we like to play for hours and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. Therefore, if I cannot get her to play, it is very likely that we'll get into a ton of fights of her telling me to shut the &@^# up at night when she's trying to sleep. I can already see this happening.

So to those that have spouses that play RPGs how did you get them to play with your group? I think if I can't get her to play...I'm in for a LONG hard marriage!
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Re: How do you get your spouse to play C&C?

Post by eibon »

angelius wrote:
I think if I can't get her to play...I'm in for a LONG hard marriage!

Welcome to the club, chum!

My girlfriend/fiancee of ten years now has at least learned to accept gaming. She was dead set against it, sort of liked the idea of Deadlands and might fall for A Faery's Tale, but as is, she giggles when passing through the room when I am describing a scene.
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Post by angelius »

LOL

I know that feeling. Mine just points and thinks we're all geeks. The thing is that I don't even think she has a concept of what we're doing. Well maybe when we live together, she'll be around it more and hopefully she might give it a good try.
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Post by Rhuvein »

Hehe, well just like a poker club, you probably have to choose a night and an area of your place where it's OK for a bit of noise. Remind your group to not be too noisy etc.

Also, since she doesn't game, invite her to watch and hang out for as long as she can.

Heh, my wife is an avid board and card gamer, but has NO interest in RPGs. She played once with us, and didn't like it. I was quite surprised, as I'm also a big board and card game fan. And to me, RPGs are the ultimate gaming experience.

Oh well. Lessee, what else. Chocolates, foot messages, a night out for dinner among other things to help offset those all night games!

Good luck!
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Post by seskis281 »

Getting her to play C&C might be a bit of a stretch from what you describe. I'd work out an arrangement of one night where you guys game and she does a "girls night out" with friends. If you can get her to sit in on a game cool, but don't be too upset if she still doesn't get it or into it.

And, now having been married for nearly 4 years, I can promise there will be some compromises you have to make on the timing sometimes - those game till 4 am nights may have to be the exception rather than the norm. Even though my wife is into gaming those type of nights are long gone.
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Post by Omote »

When you move into you own place, you're going to have to comprimise. If you and your gaming group play every week, you might suggest playing only every other week at your new place. Even this might be a problem, but remind your SO that a relationship is a 50/50 relationship. So start looking for an alternative place to place on the "off" weeks.

You may also want to suggest to your gaming buddies to keep the noise down, even when playing at your place. Best that you do the little things from the get go to avoid further confrontations.

Getting your SO to play in your games is hard to help you with. Does she even know what "gaming" is? Has she been exposed to at least group boardgames or cardgames? If she hasn;t, you may want to host a few "boardgame nights" with the crew where she can participate. Start with easier boardgames like Settlers, Talisman, etc.

Explain to your SO that RPG night is like boardgame night, but only more complicated. Ask her if she'd like to sit in. Get your buddies to ask her to sit in (but not too much). You don;t want to force her into somthing she doesn't quite understand. This may take a while. If you do get to her to play a RPG, please start with an easy game like C&C or Basic D&D (C&C is even easier IMO).

It might be a good idea to get your SO to join you and the gaming group for a few movie nights, or drinking nights, or whatever you guys do besides game. The more comfortable with the gamers she is, the more amicable she will be to attempt to play.

DON'T PRESSURE HER INTO GAMING, even after many repeated attempts. You'll have to be slick about this. Maybe start watching bad fantasy movies together and insert a few gaming comments from time to time.

Another trick might be to buy her a PHB and then personalize it. Write a cute message on the inside cover or something like that.

Another alternative is to see if she likes reading fantasy fiction, real basic stuff like the early Margaret Weiss and Tracy Hickman DL books. These first books really get the idea of "group gaming" in her head. The characters in those early book do "adventurer stuff" and that might be a way to get her to try it out, especially if she likes the book!

Just a few suggestions. Good luck.

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Post by angelius »

She does like poker, and we poker it up with my gaming pals every weekend. (We game a lot!) So she is quite friendly with them and beyond gaming we all get along perfectly well. I guess she finds it weird that everyone sort of has a chemeleon skin when it comes to RPGs. We all "become" someone else and I think she thinks it's creepy to some degree!

Thanks for the great reply omote, you're right. I do have Talisman so maybe i'll start with that on the nights that no one is over and try that first....GREAT idea
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Post by serleran »

I didn't have to convince her. She just wanted to know what it was that had me so interested, and I said: "you have to experience it." So, she tried, but not with me, as I was still living in CA, and she was in NY. She, apparently, liked the idea... so, when I came out, we just naturally wanted to game.

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Post by angelius »

<-- Extremely jealous now.
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Post by Maliki »

I've been married for almost 8 years now, and while my wife knows that I play D&D, she really has no concept of what it is, which works out just fine for me. (If she had any intrest I would encourage it but she is not into anything even close). I have cut out the all nighters that we used to pull once we got married, but other than that nothing has really changed, I still manage to play about once a week, and she knows and gets along with all the people in my group. Personally I like the fact that she is not into gaming, it gives us some space, and if she did game with us, I think it would greatly affect the way I game.

My gaming is something that she accepts (but not understands) about me, much the same way I accept (but don't understand) why she has/needs 30 pairs of shoes.
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Post by miller6 »

Maliki wrote:
My gaming is something that she accepts (but not understands) about me, much the same way I accept (but don't understand) why she has/needs 30 pairs of shoes.

If she has 30 pairs of shoes, then she's already role-playing a princess.
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Post by Treebore »

My wife was a gamer. She only plays with us as a family now, which right now is the only game in our town anyways. But she realizes that I like gaming. When she got out fo gaming a couple of years after we married she tried to make me stop. Tried.

See when they try to make you stop, it isn;t for all the nice logical reasons they try to make you believe.

ITs about jealosy and controlling you. She is jealous of not only the time you spend with your friends, but if your the DM she is also jealous of all the time you spend prepping.

So when it comes time, you gotta decide, let her own you, or make her respect you. Also remember this is a two way street. You will, in all fairness, have to make special time with her. Which if you really do love her isn't any hardship. But I felt she had to respect, and trust, me enough to let me game. I was already making sure I did this when she started having issues with my gaming.

Seriously, if it ever gets to the point that she "tells" you to quit gaming tell her, "Well, I have come to realize that marriage is not a partnership to you. It is ownership. I am not into a ownership marriage. I don't control you, and I am not going to let you control me. IF you can't deal with me doing my thing there is the door."

Now realize, this is after you have honestly tried to be fair, and if you honestly aren't a "controller". If you haven't been fair, or you are a controller/owner type, well then you don't have a real leg to stand on in a "fair" relationship.

Anyway, I refused to let my wife own me and we have stayed married about 11 or 12 years since she tried to own me. Now our gaming time is family time, so its pretty cool and fun.

Now I wish she would actually stick to her budget!
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Post by miller6 »

Whatever you do, don't let her just watch a game or you'll never stand a chance of recruiting her. Watching an RPG game is pretty boring if you ask me...playing is a whole different experience. Unfortunately, first impressions are strong and if she's not interested now, you're probably in for a difficult time changing her mind.

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Post by DangerDwarf »

When I was in High School, my wife was quite literally the "girl next door". Me and my friends RP'd in our garage and she came over one night to "see what D&D was".

We roped her into playing and she liked it. Knowing that is something not easy to find, I married her to prevent her from escaping.
Some of the things that might help are finding a genre she like and picking a game in that genre. My wife for example, wasn't a big fantasy fan and initially wasn't too into AD&D. She did like the concept behind White Wolf's games though and did alot of "growing" into RPG's through them. Now she'll gladly play anything from C&C to Shadowrunrun or Rifts.

Omote mentioned the DL books, that's another good one. After reading the Chronicles she had more of an appreciation for fantasy.

If she's comfortable with the group of players, thats another thing that makes it easier. One group I CK for, my wife will absolutely refuse to play with. Not that I blame her, they really are some goobers and a real life girl sitting at the table is a distraction to them
In any event, good luck!

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Post by ringgold »

My doesn't play, but isn't adverse to the idea. She's an old time fan of Jackson and Livingstone's Fighting Fantasy books.

What she does have strong opinions on, though, are the kind of games she'd be interested in. An undifferentiated monster mash/pick up the coins as you go kind of thing just switches her off. And a game with just too many rules is not likely to entice her in (D&D 3.5, anyone?) She's like, "This is supposed to be for fun. Well, I don't think digesting 101 rules for this that and the other is fun."

The interesting thing here is that having been chatting about my gaming together for as long as we have, I have found myself not so much defending some of the games I own as thinking, "You know, she's got a point..."

It has been my wife's input, for instance, that has pushed me away from D&D and towards C&C. And has made me look at my campaign and scenario design a lot harder, to write the kind of adventures my wife might be more interested in playing. You know, because I'd like her to, because I think she'd find it fun once she tried it.

I know there are old debates about "what girl gamers want" and "role playing not roll playing", but I'm not trying to resurrect those. I think my wife and I have kind of met each other half way. She has made me re-evaluate what I think the pros and cons of an rpg are. I'm writing material now where there are more options - no, not more options, more freedom - for the players to to solve problems, overcome obstacles and investigate mysteries for themselves and in their own way. Reading the Adventure Paths in Dungeon, for instance, I do find myself thinking "fight fight fight fight dull dull dull dull...". And how linear? "Start with dungeon #1. Bash bash bash to room x, pick up directions to dungeon #2. Go to dungeon #2. Bash bash..." At the same time, I think she trusts me that this whole gaming is not such a bizarre practise after all.

I'm sorry this has rambled on a bit. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that although my wife doesn't pay (yet), she has still had an input, and to me a positive one, on my game. I may occasionally see her eyes glaze slightly while she smiles sweetly and nods patiently at my ramblings, but gaming isn't The Hobby That Dare Not Mention Its Name in our home. So, you know, talk to your Other about your hobby. You might not get another player at your table. But you might get something more than you had in the first place.

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Post by StealthSuitStanley »

I think Omote and Maliki have the best grasp on the subject. It is really one of those things that is more difficult to advise on than it is to describe "what I did." So here goes...

My wife and I have been together for over 11 years (married for 9). We have two young children. I played 2e when we met, and could never talk her into it. This situation was fine, because several of the guys in the group had SO's, so all the girls hung out together while we played. A couple of times, the girls watched us play, (miller6 is right about it being boring!) for about 10 minutes, then they came up with something to do and did it.

I wasn't until a month ago that I managed to talk her into actually playing. We both like Buffy, Stargate, and Charmed, so we do have some common ground. One night while lying in bed, I asked her what she would like to be if she were transported to a different world where she could be whatever she wanted. Then I asked her some questions that would identify an alignment. As the conversation went on, I developed a picture of how she would look and behave. She liked it.

Then I made her a character. A female fighter that's specialized in axe and uses a bow. I just gave her some stats (I used the limit of 73 pts. total for all the stats), found a picture of a cool looking axe on the web and inserted it on the front page of her character sheet. I made up a story about the axe being an family heirloom that she was given when her father was killed in battle. Finally, I described her character as a wanderer who was on a trek to find herself, and to support herself on the trek, she was a hiresword.

I described combat to her, and told her that when it came to be her turn, the CK would ask her what she does and she was to reply with "hit the ___ with my axe." This worked for a while until halfway through the first session, she said something completely opposite. That's when I new she was hooked. In order to ensure her "conversion," my character did something against hers. She got mad, and instead of getting upset with me, she roleplayed her character getting angry at me.

I knew then that my job was complete.

since then, we've played a couple of games (we play every two weeks), and we're even hosting at our house this Friday!

I can only hope, angelius, that you are so lucky. Just remember, if she doesn't like it, don't force it on her. Just let her know that you love to do this and would like her blessing.

btw, a marriage is not 50/50. When you approach it that way, when one of you has a bad day, it drops to 35/50 and then things fall apart. Go into it believing it is 100/100. Then when you both have a bad day, it drops to 75/60 but still holds together.

I am always willing to give up gaming for my wife. That's me giving 100%. She has never forced me to choose. That's her giving 100%. Make sure you both are going into this with complete disclosure and understanding, or it's likely a waste of time.

May God bless your marriage!

later

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Post by angelius »

Personally, I think that it maybe a space issue. My mom and her have been "jokingly" fighting on who gets to keep my junk. I say jokingly in quotes because I'm pretty sure inside they are serious about not having all my stuff and gaming tables etc at their house. Both of them are a fine line between normal and neat freak.

I think maybe I'll run a descent boardgame game for my fiance and see how it goes. In the end of the day, I'll be happy to just be left alone to my geeky ramblings!
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Post by Philotomy Jurament »

I met my wife when we were both in high school, and introduced her to gaming at that time. She still has her first PC (a magic-user created with the BECMI boxed set rules), who I'm going to use as an NPC in my current C&C campaign.

My sister and her husband play, too. So does my wife's sister and her husband.

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Post by meepo »

angelius wrote:
I think maybe I'll run a descent boardgame game for my fiance and see how it goes. In the end of the day, I'll be happy to just be left alone to my geeky ramblings!

If you can win her over with Descent, I'll be most impressed! That one gave my wife a headache!

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Post by BeZurKur »

meepo wrote:
If you can win her over with Descent, I'll be most impressed! That one gave my wife a headache!

Playing it, or punching out the game pieces! Yeah, it's a fun game, although set-up can take a while.

Anyway, I'm surprised how many folk here are lucky enought to have an SO that plays with them. My fiancee just thinks I'm nuts, but allows me my insane pursuits. What's weird is she enjoys hearing the stories of what happened, but isn't interested in trying. I think it is the rowdy guys I game with. They are a scary bunch!

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Post by meepo »

BeZurKur wrote:
Playing it, or punching out the game pieces! Yeah, it's a fun game, although set-up can take a while.

Hehe, I spared her that misery. But explaining the rules nearly short circuited her. We stopped around page 14 and played Ticket to Ride instead!

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Post by Mike Frank »

My wife and I have been married for 8 years now. I didn't have any of my stuff when we met or got married. Three years ago about this time, I walked into the house with the 3.5e player's handbook (I didn't know at the time...it SAID D&D on the cover...). Well, I didn't just walk in, I walked in a bit sheepishly and tried to just walk by, but she said, "Hey, whats that?" I said it was a D&D book and I wanted to get back into playing and she said, "I would like to play." Now we have a weekly game in our basement. She runs an LA campaign and I run a C&C campaign.

Anyway, there's no harm in asking her to try it -- she might like it. Otherwise, you've been given pleny of good advise by previous posters about working something out.

Good Luck!

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Post by Omote »

That is a simple, but awesome story Mike F. If it could only be that easy for everybody.
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Post by moriarty777 »

Well, I would really like my other half to try her hand at gaming. I genuinely think she would like it. She is a BIG Star Wars fan... also thoroughly enjoyed The Lord Of The Rings and love mythology in general! As to getting her to read other 'inspirational' material, this also wouldn't really be a problem (since she is right in the midst of a Master's Thesis... most of her reading is dedicated to her studies right now).

Unfortunately, the one time she did try it when she was younger, she was immediately turned off by it by her older brothers who were running the game. They made a character for her to play which was described to me a 'fat paladin with 1 hitpoint'.

However, she is more than accepting of my habbit as she is my many other quirks and has no problem with me... as she puts it... 'geeking out'. We currently don't play at our place as it is just too small... but we'll be moving to a larger place within a year's time. She knows full well that when that happens... the sessions I run will be migrating over. She's cool with that but I do hope that when it happens... she'll eventually cave and give it a try.

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Post by Rhuvein »

StealthSuitStanley wrote:
May God bless your marriage!

later

SSS

Very well said and thanks for saying it. I agree and wish everyone here who's married the same!
And a great post SSS, welcome to the forums!

Enjoy! 8)
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Post by angelius »

Hey great news guys!

Tonight the window opened, she asked me to tell her a story since I always tell "stories" to my friends. So I said, how about we make a story and we did. I ran her through the red box intro story and she had fun. So who knows where it might lead
She played an elven ranger with silver hair. Somehow the silver hair was the most important thing for her...but at least she's into her character.
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Post by meepo »

angelius wrote:
Somehow the silver hair was the most important thing for her...but at least she's into her character.

Hehe - yeah, gotta use whatever you can!
Congrats!

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Post by angelius »

I was like, "Wait so you're saying she's an albino elf or something?"

She says, "Yeah so what if she is..." of course I can't resist, "Why can't it be dyed."

When she said, "You mean like Rogue?"

That kind of floored me, I told her that I couldnt believe she knew who Rogue was...its a start. Tomorrow I'm going to guide her through the red box, "choose your own adventure" dungeon...we'll see how her character does.
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Post by StealthSuitStanley »

Congrats Angelius!!

Now you just have to set the hook! Don't try to hard to make her have fun, but give her plenty of opportunity to have fun. If she creates it herself, she's more likely to like RPing.

Just don't expose her to the 248 billion rules in 3.5. Stick with C&C and things will probably go really well.

Good luck and great gaming...with your better half.

later

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